TENTACLE
YOUR FANCY
by T.C.
Shanahan
Warning: This story is a parody of tentacle
anime. It is not for children under 18,
people with heart conditions, people who can't differentiate fact from fiction,
the humorless, the Amish, the overly politically correct, and politicians who
want to limit free speech. Oh, and I do
not intend to offend anyone, I'm just bored and want to tell a cool story.
Part 1:
Setup
This is my fault, thought
Brian. This is all my fault. I should never have come to Japan.
It all started when Brian's 21st birthday
coincided with college graduation, a double reason to party as far as his
college buddies were concerned. So they
decided to celebrate by taking Brian to Japan.
Fortunately, they all spoke Japanese to various extents (due either to
taking classes in it, to phrasebooks, or to catching up on the anime slang on
the Internet), so communication wasn't a problem.
One of the places they went to was a sex
club. Brian went into a booth to watch
a peep show. Minutes later, the lights
came on, and Brian found himself staring into a room full of mirrors. He realized that these were one-way glass
mirrors, where he could see into the room but nobody could see out.
Two young women were standing in the
middle of the room. As some
cheezy-sounding music that was apparently supposed to be erotic wafted from a
speaker, the women began to strip out of their clothing as they paraded around,
making seductive motions.
"Sir?" asked a voice in
Japanese.
"Whaddya want?" Mike grunted,
turning to see a cute young woman who was probably no older than eighteen.
"Would you like a handjob?" she
asked.
"A...a handjob?" Brian asked,
gulping nervously.
"Only thirty thousand yen," she
said.(1)
"O...okay," said Brian
nervously. Her pimp, or whoever owns
this joint, will probably kill me if I don't have the cash, he thought.
The girl took the money and zipped open
his pants. Making a "hmmm" of
disapproval as she stared at Brian's two-inch nubbin, she did what she
could. Brian sweated under her
ministrations until she got him erect.
"Hmm, only four inches," she
frowned.
"Hey!" Brian snapped
indignantly. "I'm Jewish, OK? The bris went wrong. Besides, not everyone can be built like the
studs in the porno movies."
She "hmmmed" again. Then she snapped her fingers and said
something in rapid-fire Japanese.
"What? What're you saying?" asked Brian. "Speak slower, please."
"I said," she repeated, "I
know someone who can help with that problem."
"Huh?" asked Brian. "Well, okay."
She said something to an older woman in
rapid-fire Japanese, and the older woman seemed to give her approval for
whatever it was.
As they walked, Brian and the girl
talked. Her name was Achika, and she
worked at the place ever since she was legal age. Her parents couldn't really stop her, at least not as long as she
didn't get pregnant or anything, and they were hurting financially anyway. Brian's last name was Bernstein, he was from
America, and he was here on vacation with his buds from college.
They stopped at a large,
professional-looking establishment.
Achika told them that Brian needed surgery to look like a porn
stud. The doctors, or whatever they
were, nodded, gently took Brian by the hand, and led him to a table, speaking
too rapidly for him to understand. They
put an anesthetic mask to his mouth and...
Brian regained consciousness. He didn't know how long he'd been out, but
his entire body felt...different somehow.
Maybe it was the anesthetic.
Brian first opened his eyes. So
far, so good; everything looked to be the right color and shape for a recovery
room. Then he moved his arm in front of
his face...
And screamed. (Lovecraftian shock italics here, please.) Because the thing
before his face was not a human arm. (Thank you.) It was a slimy, sickly purple tentacle of some sort, rugose (2)
like the hide of an elephant. As Brian
looked down, he screamed again.
He was now some twenty feet tall, and
resembled some hideous slug. Twelve
tentacles sprouted from each shoulder where his arms had been. More such tentacles, four vertical rows of
ten each, extended from his belly and groin.
One of the "doctors" walked
in. "Ah, splendid!" said the
doctor in Japanese. "You are awake
and well."
"Well?!" screamed
Brian. Even his voice sounded inhuman
now, like the roar of a lion combined with the trumpet of an elephant. "You call THIS 'well'!?" He jumped up and down as best he could,
causing mini-tremors.
"Yes, yes," said the
doctor. "You are a most excellent
specimen. A fine piece of genetic
manipulation!"
"Listen, you baka,"(3)
shouted Brian, "when I said I wanted to look like a porno star, I didn't
mean something out of Urotsukidoji or La Blue Girl or anything
like that!"
"Well, then, you should've
specified," said the doctor angrily.
"Change me back, fucking now!"
screamed Brian, jumping up and down some more.
Cracks appeared in the concrete.
"Yes, yes, very well," said the
doctor. "First we must..."
Suddenly, the crackings got louder. They both looked up, seeing a hunk of
concrete from the ceiling come loose.
The chunk landed on the doctor, crushing him into a paste and killing
him instantly.
Brian did the only thing a sane, rational
human (well, person at any rate) could.
Which is to say, he freaked. He smashed his way through the nearest wall,
screaming in panic. "Help! Someone!
Help me! I wanna change
back! Help! AAAAHHH!"
Then he smashed into the lobby where
Achika'd been waiting, and she freaked out and started screaming. By the time everything settled down, Brian
had to blow the rest of his yen on paying for damages to the hospital.
Which brings us to the beginning of this
story. While Brian was wallowing in
self-pity, Achika said, "I know a few people who might be able to
help. People in high places, people
with medical or scientific connections.
Maybe there's a way to change you back."
"Thanks, but what do I do in the
meantime?" demanded Brian.
"The only thing you can
do," said Achika, "which is to exchange e-mail addresses with me and
go home to America."
TO BE
CONTINUED...
***************
(Editorial
note: I didn't have all that much sex in this part of the story because I
wanted Brian to get into his particular, uh, situation ASAP. Don't worry, there'll be plenty of it later.
By the
way, you're probably wondering, "How the hell did somebody this stupid
graduate from college?" Or perhaps
even, "How did somebody this stupid get into college in the first
place?" Hey, man, it's a
spoof. Cause and effect don't really
mean anything.
Footnotes:
(1)
Approximately $30 American, IIRC.
(2)
Meaning "wrinkled".
(3)
Japanese for "stupid". But you
probably already knew that.